The Other Side of Three AM

Mom - The Unwanted Toy

2010-09-08T15:51:00.003-04:00

As most of you know I am the proud parent of two wonderful girls… I love these girls and thank god regularly for them.. This year my oldest started Kindergarten and my youngest started daycare. I was so excited that I took the day off to basically cry…. And then go to the movies (smile)

The first day was finally here – I could not stop taking pictures of the oldest one - one in the house, one of her putting on her school uniform, one of her putting on her book bag. One of her getting in the car.. you get the picture. Anyway my five year old was smiling at first – enjoying every minute of the attention she was getting – until we actually got to school. I parked the car and we stood there waiting to be let in the building. Of course we were 15 minutes early. As we waited - we both noticed the other kids. The older kids were talking among themselves, the younger kids all just look confused. You could tell that everyone was excited about the first day. Especially me, I was the crazy lady with the camera, but for the record I was not alone. I asked my child to stand in front of the classroom so that I could take just one more picture. Do you know that she gave me a look and sighed “Mooom” . I was embarrassing my 5 year old – aren’t they suppose to be at least 12 before they are embarrassed by you.

“Okay, fine…” I put up my camera and behaved myself. To add insult to injury … she will not let me walk her to class. She kisses me at the end of the hallway and then waves. At that point I really wanted to cry.

Speaking of crying… that is all my youngest did her first day at the daycare – I heard her screaming as I left the building. The guilt was overwhelming. I have so many thoughts - Maybe she too young, is the nanny still available, are the teachers going to be nice to her.

Mind you – this is the same loving school that my oldest went to and still attends for afterschool. So I know the people are great. But it does not stop my heart from breaking as she screams “dada” (has not said mama, but that is another story ) at the top of her lungs . Anyway, this goes on for four days. Each day breaking my heart just a little more than the previous day. I am seriously rethinking this decision. On the fourth day- We walk into the classroom and on cue my child starts to cry. Her very smart teacher looks at her and says
“Honey, come here and sit at the table. It’s time for snack”

Do you know this child, the one that just could not bear to leave my side. Scrambled off my hip and ran to sit down. She sold me out for one cracker , not a handful , not even a really good cookie , one Ritz cracker. As she sat there eating her cracker – she waved and said bye dada… Gotta love my children.

So in a nut shell – though my children are the beginning and end of my world – I am apparently the unwanted toy. Not cool enough to be seen with the older one and I can be traded by the younger one.

You have to love mother hood

As Seen On TV

2010-07-30T09:33:00.000-04:00

I am a “As Seen On TV” junkie. I did not think I was, but as I sat down to write this blog – it occurred to me – I have way too many of these products. From the worlds’ large cupcake, the sham wow & the instyler to heelastic & the hands free toothpaste dispenser... I cannot get enough of this stuff. The game I play- calculate how much the free gift will cost you. It amuses me to no end when the product is absolutely free, but the shipping and handling will cost you double the retail price of the product. So even though I love all these product I usually end up buying them at Bed, Bath & Beyond.

Anyway – the newest “As Seen On TV” product to catch my attention Barelifts. It is basically a really big bandage for your breasts. In theory, they help keep your breast in place without a bra. Now the reason why I am so interested in this particular product is because my girls have gone south. They use to be so proud and perky. And even though I am back at my proud and perky weight– sadly they are not.

I decided to order because the infomercial spoke directly to me…

No surgery – good because that was coming out of the girls’ college fund

Look great in a swimsuit – is that all it takes

Wear backless outfits – have not worn that in years… sign me up

Order right now and we will double your order just pay shipping and handling

I am hooked – I must have this product right now

As I sit at the computer – I remind myself – that they will not entice me with any additional products. I’m going to order the product, nothing extra. And believe me... they try to sell me everything from a cubic zirconia diamond ring to privacy petals. If you don’t know- privacy petals are used to cover your nipples. I say no to everything … and wait for my product.

They arrive a week later. Perfect timing – I am going to party at my dad’s club that evening and I have a white backless dress that I want to wear.

The product is an upside down "U" shaped band-aid. The edges go around your nipples and then you lift the top part and stick the band-aid to the top of your breast. And as promise they work, I will admit I am a little surprised. Amazing- the girls are at attention. And I don’t have a bra on. There is only one small problem. I now know why they were pushing the privacy petals so hard. My nipples are pointed up and to the right on one side and up and to the left on the other. Last I checked nipples did not belong under your underarms. I look crazy. The dress is rather tight – so you can clearly see the outline of each nipple. So I improvise – I take actual band-aids (if you have read previous blogs you know I always have band-aids) and place them across the nipples.

It worked.

Look out world here I come...

A Hard or Easy 50

2010-06-14T23:10:00.004-04:00

I remember laying in bed at my parent's home talking to my mom. We were spying on my uncle as he tried to make moves on the next door neighbor. I remember seeing the lights on next door as my cousin ,Lydia worked into the night to save the flowers that I had not taken care of properly. I remember - The night before my grand mother had watched a stripper tie me into knots as he bared more than just his soul. It was also the weekend I learned that my father and brother were apparently the world's best in-laws. Still not sure what exactly happened at that bachelor party. Probably best that I don’t know.

That saturday afternoon I was marrying a man that I had known less than 16 months. Someone that from the moment we first spoke to each other I had referred to as "the husband”. So as not to be confused with - the other men in my life, sugar daddy, plaything and the boyfriend. In my defense it was the first time in history that I was actually dating. Did not last long ;-)

The six months leading up to this date had surprised everyone , including me. I really thought that I would be a bridezilla. To be honest, I had been planning my wedding since I was 12 years old – the only thing missing was the husband . I had been looking forward to the day for over 15 years, it was my special day to be the bell of the ball. The husband was an accessory, mind you a necessary accessory , but an accessory all the same.

But then something happened.. I met a man and for once in my life I saw the marriage not just the wedding. I wanted to grow old with this man… I would have( dramatic pause) eloped with him if he had asked. Mine you I would have insisted that I wore my fabulous wedding dress – shit I had worked way too hard for the body to pull it off . The point... I was content to have the wedding of everyone else’s dream – you want steak and salmon… cool, drums and jumping the broom – fine with me . I honestly did not care – I was thrilled to have this man in my life and scarier yet – he was thrilled to have me. He was head over heels in love with my high maintence, moody, Polly Anna self and counted himself luck for taking me off the market. Loves a wonderful thing.

So here I am seven years later – a drop in the bucket for some , a lifetime for others. I ask my self what advice would I have given that women – so in love that she could not keep the smile off her face.

1) Run… kidding

2) Marriage is hard , but so worth it

3) Do not expect anyone to meet all your needs – that is still your job

4) Enjoy the small moments because it really is what makes marriage great

5) You thought you were marrying a man just like your dad – but actually he's just like your mom (believe me that is a good thing)

6) Loving someone is a given - liking someone a completely different story .

7) NO matter what good intentions you have – he will only change when and if he’s ready

8) And yes the ideas he presents to you are the same ideas you told him 6 months ago… take it as a compliment that he is listening even if he never gives you credit

9) It okay that he comes after the girls and the dog – just make sure the order rotates frequently

10) And last spooning is the best way to reconnect – do it often

I think that is it . At 3:30 pm on Saturday - June 14th. I married a wonderful , stubborn, pain in the butt individual that loves me beyond belief. A man that would die for me , but at the same time would auction me off to the highest bidder for an extra of hour sleep. I married a man that knows way too much about my past and firmly believes I can have and do anything with my/our future.

On this day I married a man that did not run for the hills when I said- "listen we can do a hard or an easy 50... your choice, but either way we are doing 50+ years, because this is truly till death do us part understand….

His only reply – "I'm in!"

Happy anniversary – honey

My five year old is dating...

2010-05-04T12:00:00.002-04:00

My husband plays Mr. Mom every week day for about 3 hours until I get home. He does a great job. I love it. He gets quality time with the girls. I save money on the nanny. And I do not have to rush to pick them up from the daycare. Overall this arrangement is working out well.

The only drawback - I get a call EVERY day at approximately 3:30. It is either the Nanny asking where the heck my hubby is (they have a very special relationship – one that has her questioning rather she wants to ever have a husband). Or it is my husband asking some random question.

"What time is ballet class over?" Do you mean the one she has been going to for over a year?

Where do we keep the applesauce? Is it okay to have for our oldest to have McDonalds an hour before dinner? Does the baby need to wear shoes outside?

These are the very important questions I get during some important meeting, which will have to wait – because my family comes first.

This past week we graduated from phone calls to text messages–

Did u say our child could go to the movies?

No.

Can u please talk to her?

Ok - why

She is insisting that you said she could go with Chase.

At this point I vaguely remember having this conversation with my child.

My child is exactly like me – which means she talks from the moment she get home to the moment she goes to sleep – NON stop. So it is possible that she did ask. In fact, I do remember her saying that Chase wanted to take her and Sarah to the movies… but I thought we were playing make believe. What five year old do you know ask to go on a date?

Mommy remember you said I could go to the movies.

At this point I explained that Chase’s mommy needed to call me, it's not that you can’t go but I need to make arrangements with Ms. Michele (Chase’s mom) I need her phone number , she needs to call me. It a lot more involved - do you understand?

Yes – okay.

My husband gets back on the phone

Did you tell her okay – he is completely freaking out.

You are letting her go on a date at 5.

No – it's not a date I explain - it is no different than her going to the movies with her cousin. He’s not buying it.

Of course, I am genuinely confused because I do not see the why going with Chase is any different than going with Bella. They are five... what do you think they are going to do.

You would think that was the end of it… nope. Do you know the next day my child comes home with Ms. Michele's number – she persistent if nothing else.

Anyway the next Monday – I see Michele – you are never going to believe this I say with laughter – Chase invited Mikayla to the movies… I tell her the rest of the story – thinking like me she would get a laugh – instead she thinks it a great idea. And then proceeds to tell me how well mannered & beautiful my child is. She finishes with the fact that she was planning on taking Chase and his brother to the movies and would love if Mikayla could join them.

Um - okay. Let me check with her dad

So, I reassure the hubby - this is not a date, I explain to my father & brother -this is not a date, I convince my sister in law this is not a date. In fact I really don’t understand why anyone would think that it is… like I said who in their right mind lets a five year go on a date.

Apparently me….

My child’s outing… first she went to see the 3d version of "How to train a dragon". Then she went to a restaurant overlooking a private airport so that they can see the planes take off and land. And then because there were no good dessert options at the restaurant they went to an ice cream parlor for dessert. And of course along the way Michele took pictures. My child came home exhausted and happy.

As I recapped my five years old's outing to my 20 something single friend she smiled and informed me that my child's outing was better than her last three dates.

So with all the evidence in…it’s official…. I apparently let my 5 year go on a date.

She better appreciate it because she will not be going on another one until she is at least 16….

Insecurity is a bitch ...

2010-04-14T22:49:00.000-04:00

I received my first piece of hate mail the other day. It was from my friend's spouse. She may not hate me, but she really does not like me. A fact that became abundantly clear the other day. I sent a valentine picture of the girls addressed to both of them. I thought it was more respectful this way. I guess I was wrong. She sent it back with a note that said

I will never be phony with you. I do not like you.

I will admit - it was a gutsy move, one I wouldn't have made. The only wimpy part was that she signed it from her and my friend... that seem to ring false. However, all that being said, if I go missing please check with her first. The address is in my database.

In typical female fashion - I shared this with everyone. It needed to be analyzed at least three different ways.

Why would someone take out the time to do this? Has she always hated me? Do you think I am really that special or is it all females?Is my friendship with this person even worth it?

Of course, I shared this with my husband. Does my friendship with this man make you feel insecure, threaten in anyway? After all this man was his competition in my past life. I learned that this person will never be one of his boys, but overall he's a non issue. Just someone else that I am friends with. End of story, no drama there. To be honest I was hoping for more of a reaction.

Anyway, after careful analysis by a focus group of approximately six people (four women and two bored men). The verdict is - I should not feel special. I am a symptom, but not the cause.

The cause can be summed up in four words - Insecurity is a bitch..

So my question of the day - why are so many women , myself included, insecure. We may not all be insecure at the same level or about the same things, but it is there.

It can be as small as the need to have others confirm how pretty we look that evening or as large as that actress, Heidi Montag - who felt the need to have like 15 plastic surgeries (Am I the only one who thinks she was actually prettier in the before picture). It can manifest itself in the need to control everything and everyone in our lives. Or convince us that we are victims and have no control at all. It can be the scary feeling that you don't deserve the love you have. Or the constant need to be perfect to the world.

My major insecurity - a nagging desire to have everyone like me. Unrealistic - yes. Does it stop me from trying- No. I am working on it, have been forever. We all have our insecurities. My girlfriend, who has a hourglass figure, is so insecure about her body that she only makes love in the dark. Even though her hubby loves every curve of her. My cousin who has more than one advance degree - still questions how smart she is....

So I ask again... What makes us insecure? Men, our parents, society.... ourselves.

I don't have an answer and that scares me because I am raising two girls. My goal, my job, as their mother is to raise strong, secure, confident women. So far I have been trying to lead by example and reassuring words. And I think I am doing okay.

Case in point - the other day a little boy came up to my child. For some reason he said she look like or either was a booger. Before I could even open my mouth - to say we don't call each other names. She gave him this ..."what the hell are you talking about" look and replied.

My eyes are beautiful, my hair is pretty. I am beautiful and smart. She smiled and walked away. It was such a non issue to her that she did not even bring it up again.

This is also the same child that when someone says she is pretty, she replies "and smart" or vice versa. She has been told this so often that it is now part of her identity. I may be creating the world's most conceited child or the most confident. Hopefully, the latter because even conceit is a form of insecurity.

My point is ...if we start off confident - what changes some of us. Why do we forget that we are strong, confident women who only need to look inward to know how smart, beautiful and fabulous we are?

“To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” - Oscar Wilde

Look at me, Look at me .....

2010-03-09T10:14:00.000-05:00

I just found out that my mom's co-workers are reading my blog ... I am both flattered and horrified. I know it sounds strange but when I first started writing I really believed that I could stay hidden. Write under a pen name, say whatever I wanted without self censorship. (Yes, believe it or not I do self censor… can you imagine what doesn’t make this blog)

But then of course my ego got in the way. I wanted to know if my writing was any good - so slowly I invited different people to read my blog. BTW – Ms. Jen you were the first person. I enjoyed the laughter I received and I loved the shock responses I would get over some of the things I wrote. It was and continues to be a source of pleasure in my world. However, like most things in life there are pros & cons to everything I do.

The following is a list of things that would have never happened if I had kept my ego in check and remained – “Sleepless” to everyone.

If I had remained Sleepless …I would have never had the pleasure of:

Knowing just how secure my husband is… Seriously some of the things I write would make a lesser man run for the hills. Doesn’t even phase my sweetie – not even when his boy started reading and quoting my blog to him. He thinks I am great writer, even if he is one of my favorite subjects.

Learning that my father literally believes my children are heaven sent- apparently even after being married for seven years – I do not have sex.

Enduring my best friend questioning me about my sexual preference. Don’t get me wrong – I’m still convinced that a woman will always understand a woman better than a man. But for the record I prefer men – something about the way they smell. Maybe it was a set up conversation to see if there is any interest. … if so… the answer is no..

Receiving a sex manual from my mom – she brought it at B& N while with my dad (apparently he turned beet red…). After reading my “affair” blog she decided to help me get some spice back. How crazy is my world – some people think I am oversexed and others think I am not getting enough – guess it is all perspective

Understanding that my co-workers think I am “special”. I guess it is meant as a compliment because they are always asking when I will post something new.

Worrying about offending people. Even though I try to withhold names, if X% of your readers were at the same event – they all know who you are talking about, no matter how you repackage it. As fun as it is to mess with people’s heads and believe me it is fun. I never intend to hurt someone’s feelings.

Defending myself against …. well myself. There is nothing like having a blog you wrote when you were very hormonal, being used against you when you are thinking clearly.

The long and the short is that there something to be said about writing a journal that the entire world can read. The other day while I was at the park with my family I finally figured out why I would share my very personal thoughts online. And why no matter how much angst it could cause – I don’t mind people knowing it’s me……

My oldest one was swinging and every time she went higher she would scream mom look at me, nana look at me. It didn’t matter if it was me, my mom or her dad she just want us to look at her. I then notice a little Spanish girl she just kept saying “mire, mire, mire” (basically look at me in Spanish). Her mom would look at her and smile. It occurred to me that all of us have our own version “look at me, look at me…” writing this blog is mine.

The Fertility Blessing

2010-02-26T10:52:00.000-05:00

Kendall, Cybella, Mark Allen, Camryn , Mya, Deshawn, Jacob, Irvin V, Gilbert III, Jordan, Adain, Christian, Gabrielle and Taylor.

The above list is not the class roster for my child’s pre-k class… nope it is a list of cousins that were born after my oldest chilld. All of these children are related to my girls, not good friends, but blood cousins. I will not even mention the five or six cousins that came before her.

Our family's favorite pastime is having babies…

Since 2004 – we have always had at least one pregnant woman in the family. I have never been to a family event where someone was not pregnant. In fact when I was pregnant … my sister-in-law (twice- she never lets me do things by myself – kidding), and two cousins were all pregnant. My child has been to the local hospital so often that she knows what they serve on Tuesdays (chicken and it is actually pretty good). I can also tell you where the great parking spots are.

Every time we get together - We take odds on who will be pregnant next. I always bet on Mya’s mom. She stayed pregnant for awhile there. So it was a really safe bet. There are still a couple of single children in the mix so… it is usually better to bet on their parents.

I truly believe that my father is responsible for this blessing . In 2003 my father ask why there were no babies running around… “we need some kids, get to it”.

Well - Ask and you shall receive. Now my father has given everyone board games - “people – enough already – do something different with your free time.”

As of today - The blessing may finally be over. on 2/22 ,the newest member of my extended family, Taylor Olivia, was born. She looks exactly like her older sister – healthy & beautiful. Her grandmother already believes she is gifted. This may or may not be true, but right now her biggest claim to fame- she may actually get to stay the baby of our family.

Believe it or not no one is pregnant… ….

However, I do have a birthday party in two weeks – so I will keep you posted.

"I've decided to have an affair"...

2010-01-18T19:39:00.000-05:00

This was my opening statement to my husband the other day ...

Or at least I am thinking about it ...(this comment gets a slight eyebrow rise from my husband)

Are you already having one?

No – but I really think I am going to. Are you okay with that?

Sure – hand me that diaper please...... Male or female ( his interest is peaked)

Definitely – male (and just like that the interest is gone )

In that case it should probably be someone I don’t know

Good Point – It could be awkward if it is someone we both know.....

He kisses the baby ..

Do what you got to do.. just keep me posted.

And with this statement he kisses me , hands me the baby and walks out the door.

In case you are wondering why I am contemplating an affair. It is not because my husband isn’t wonderful, he is most of the time. It's not because I need more attention, I don’t.

I’m contemplating an affair because married sex is great, but married sex with young children – thus far is not.

Seriously- it’s basically delayed gratification, forced quickies and scheduled interludes.

All the spontaneity is gone… the sex is reduced to its lowest dominator. Basically “ you good.. me too … good night” .

Don’t get me wrong we continue to try the spontaneity thing –

Recently my husband came upstairs - requesting some attention.   As you can probably tell – I am not the “I have a headache” kind of gal – so if it is offered I‘m willing 9 times out of 10. A trait that my husband appreciates.

Anyway, I do a mental calculation – oldest is napping, the youngest almost finish nursing.  She should fall asleep if I put her in her crib. Sure why not.

Now when it comes to sex. I can usually get off the starting line pretty quickly. However , even I need some time to switch from mommy mode to wife mode. Unfortunately, by the time I was invited to this race my husband was half way …(still not sure what he was doing downstairs). Needless to say he crossed the finish line before me.

To be fair... he did offer to run again , but by this time my youngest was up again. Back to mommy mode.

So.. as I'm nursing my child once again… I start to think.  Maybe it would be easier to have sex outside my marriage. No children to worry about, change of scenery, something new.

And then reality hits – wait a minute isn’t the definition of an affair - delayed gratification, stolen moments and planned encounters .

Well hell, I already have that and my husband changes diapers.

The upside - they won’t be small children forever and we do have something scheduled for Sunday morning … I guess I can wait…

The Tale of The Missing Peas & Corn

2009-12-30T11:08:00.000-05:00

I am a big supporter of customer service. I believe in giving companies the opportunity to keep my business, even after they screw up. I just let them know that I am unhappy. I feel it is only fair, how else can they grow and improve. My husband does share this philosophy. He more of “they will never have my business again” sort of customer. For example Bank of America charged us both a fee that we thought was unfair. He complained and ultimately forgot about it. I emailed two on- line customer service people, called three customer service people, spoke with one manger and wrote to the president of BOA. Needless to say I got my money back and an apology. I am also convinced they have an asterisk next to my name that says – don’t mess with this account..It’s not worth it.

This approach to doing business with companies has always served me well. In fact, my father asked me to call his car dealership to help get a situation rectified. He had called, but the dealership was no longer returning his calls. I called the corporate office and less than 30 minutes later ...magically the dealership called him back... imagine that. Please understand, I don’t scream, yell or even complain to the company... I just bring the situation to the attention of someone who would care. And there is always someone who cares.

Some of my “company growth” opportunities are worthy pursuits and some are just well...silly. The tale of the missing peas and corn is one of my sillier ones

Last month I went to Sweet Tomatoes with a coworker of mine. If you don’t know the place - it's a buffet style restaurant with healthy food. It’s a favorite of mine and I go approximately 3 times a month with either my mom or my co-worker. This particular day for some reason they did not have peas & corn. No idea why... I ask the server she just said no peas, no corn. I asked the cashier – she could not explain why. Just no peas, no corn. Now as you have probably already know I’m a very particular person – the thought of no peas nor corn on my salad distressed me. However, I made my salad that day …. It was good, but just not the same. As I sat with my co-worker she just smiled at me.

You’re going to write them a letter aren’t you.

Yep, she knows me so well.

As we leave I pick up a comment card and decide it is probably better to call. A very friendly young man answers the phone – after gets my name and I can hear him preparing himself for whatever I am about to say.

Sir, there were no peas or corn today for lunch.

You can hear him waiting for the punch line.

Ms. Moore. Is that the complaint ?

Yes, sir that is the reason I am calling. Love the place, but there were neither peas nor corn in the salad bar today.

Now, at this point I can tell he is trying to stay professional. I’m actually impressed that he didn’t laugh. Because for the first time I hear myself and realize how I must sound to this young man. He is very nice, takes my information and reassures me that someone will handle this situation promptly. I thank him... and start to laugh as I get off the phone.

Two days later I get a letter in the mail from the restaurant manager

Dear Ms. Moore, We are so sorry there were neither peas nor corn at the salad buffet. Please accept these coupons…..

The next day I get another letter – this time from corporate saying the same thing.

The next time I went to Sweet Tomatoes. The salad buffet had two very large bowls – one had peas and the other had corn.

Who says you can’t make a difference.

Confessions of a Breast Feeder

2009-11-24T16:25:00.000-05:00

I have wonderful things to say about breastfeeding. In fact here are my top 5 reasons why I like breast feeding

It lets you bond with your child
It is cheaper than formula
You give your child the antibodies they need
It is the perfect food for your child
It helps you lose the baby weight

You see … nothing but great things to say. Of course my sister in law holds the record … between her two children she has been nursing for 5 years straight.

I nursed my oldest for the first year of her life. I was experimenting with the whole stay at home thing and took the opportunity to bond with her during this time. It was easy and we both enjoyed it. I would smile in her face, she would smile in mine. It was a Hallmark moment - Like I said breast feeding is for me. What not for me is - PUMPING

Pumping or expressing my milk –whatever you call it – it still sucks (no pun intended)

Picture two scenarios – In the first scenario a woman is lovingly looking at her child. You see her rocking in an oversized chair. A sweet smile is on the women’s face. In the background you hear the soft purring sound of the child as she gets her nourishment. You feel the comfort... Lovely picture, right

Well - now picture a closet that’s about the size of a 10 X 10 room. There are shelves, a small refrigerator and for some reason the world’s largest collection of paper cups from various coffee shops. Next to the refrigerator is a rolling desk chair. The room has a fluorescent light bulb and is always 10 degree cooler than comfortable. Can you picture it – now picture a woman staring at the wall with a small generator, loud and obnoxious, attached to her chest. This is where I go and what I do twice a day, five days a week – in the name of motherhood

Last week I had a dress on, partially because I was really tired of wearing two piece outfits, but mostly because I look really cute in this dress. Anyway, I had to take off my entire outfit.

As I am sitting in this closet surround by paper goods, on a chair, in my underwear, with a sweater (I did at least have the sense to bring a sweater). I turn on the generator. And I start thinking or better yet empathizing with men at infertility clinics...

It’s the feeling that even though no one says anything … you are convinced that everyone know what you are doing, because let’s face it…they do.

My disclaimer to this whole blog is that no matter what I will continue to go through these changes – because I know my kid is worth it.

However, I want, no I need someone, anyone to appreciate my commitment to this quest. Because like I said before Pumping sucks both literally and figuratively.

Only 8 months, 3 days, 4 hours and 15 minutes to go…

Let it go Louie

2009-11-05T12:23:00.000-05:00

My family is full of saying – most of which are designed to keep you positive especially in tough times

“Let it go Louie” – my mom always says – mind you… none us are named Lou.

Or my dad favorite “Don’t let them rent space in your head”

Or even my brother’s signature saying “Whatever floats your boat…. Sail on”

Okay maybe that last one is not necessary a reminder to stay positive but more of a reminder that everyone has the right to do “their thing” .

The point is that no matter what happens to you… “they can’t have your birthday” I guess that’s my saying.

Over the past two weeks I have let a witch rent major space in my head. To say that on a normal basis I may think about the person no more than 20 minutes each decade is only a slight exaggeration. However now - I can’t get this person out of my head. Basically she directly screwed over someone I love dearly and indirectly screwed over someone the witch and I both love.

The situation has made me question my belief in karma, the justice system, the universe, the balance of good and evil, the world as I know it. Okay I may be getting carried away – but it does make me wonder…

Where is the silver lining in situations that seem so one sided? How do you let it go? How do you make peace with something you have no control over? How do I stop myself from wishing not so nice things on this person. Right now- the witch is not only renting space in my head, she has applied for a mortgage .

The funny part about all of this – the one that got royally screwed in this situation – just seems relived that it’s over. I think I am more upset then the person. The injustice of it all just seems so unfair. I want to scream, but no one is listening… Does anyone feel my pain?…. I digress and I am still getting carried away.

Here is how it’s been explained to me … anything that does not kill you makes you stronger, it’s only money. A year from now will it still be that important.

Like I said my family annoyingly big on catch phrases. I am trying…. really I am (pause) nope- still mad.

As I am writing this.. I will admit I am finally starting to feel better. It occurs to me that I have finally found the silver lining… family and friends.

For this situation every single member of my extend family (and friends) came together to help. No judgments were made. No questions were asked. Which says a lot about my circle , but more about the person we love. How wonderful is this person if everyone wants to help them. It’s enough to humble you, even if you are in the middle of a tantrum.

Of course, I will still take comfort in the fact that – “karma is a bitch” and she will get what she desires. However, I would never wish ill on the witch.

I guess I do still believe in karma and that the universe rights all wrongs – eventually. Until then – I plan on evicting this person from my mind permanently, by taking my mom’s advice –

“Let it go Louie…”

Introducing Malia....

2009-10-21T10:52:00.000-04:00

I am back and as most of you know I am now the proud mommy of another beautiful girl - She came into the world without fanfare, (just my mom and the doctor. My husband and oldest child could not get back in time). And with the world’s easiest delivery- I would give you details, but you would think I was exaggerating – suffice to say- 20 minutes active labor and I was walking around 2 hours later. During my prayers I told the lord no matter how easy he made this pregnancy and delivery I was not doing it again. I guess he’s testing me.

Anyway she is here , named Malia 1) because we all have ‘M’ names and 2) because she was conceived on election night - I love telling people that. It always takes the person a second to process what I’ve said – then they either blush or laugh – either way I get a reaction – which is all I really wanted. This little girl has taken over our world. Her older sister is loving her to death – thinks she is her new toy. My husband refers to his girls with such pride – it’s embarrassing. And me – I’m just glad that I have produced an heir and a spare and can now close up shop.

Life is both blessed and hectic in my household – which is why this is my first published blog in three months – don’t get me wrong I have started several. Like …the one where my cousin tells me we’ve been celebrating the her daughter’s birthday on the 3rd but when she made a copy for the child’s birth certificate for school it is says the 5th. She’s not sure what day it is – so she had to call the doctor to get confirmation – can you image how crazy she sounded to the nurse that answered the phone…

Or the blog I started about my brother and sister in law who are expecting their 3rd child. A blessings that has put them both in the state of shock .. especially since they learned of the news two weeks after his vasectomy. The family can’t stop laughing, however , they still don’t think it’s funny.

Or the blog about - My former assistant who called me in tears because her friend was dating the photographer – who use to go out with the production manager. Keep up with me on this … she felt betray because she had shared with her friend how much she really like the photographer. I listen to the whole conversation really confused – 1) because I did not know she felt this way and 2) because all of the characters in this drama are women and I don’t recall my former assistant being gay. Apparently she’s not ,but if she was… the photographer is who she would want. So she’s mad that these two women who are gay want to date each other… apparently it was just the principle of the matter. I got off the phone thanking god that I am no longer in my twenties nor single.

And finally my last blog attempt was about my husband’s sister/cousin. She’s dating my dad’s best friend – ewwwww…. on so many levels. Not that I don’t see why … even I admit he is a hottie. Last month when I spent the day as her date. The first half we talk about the man whose place I took that evening. The middle part we talk about the husband that she is divorcing and the end part was about my dad’s friend – who she had met that evening. Don’t get me wrong I love spending time with this woman and live vicariously through her with a lot of stuff , but the dating ritual nowadays is different then I remember. I watched them go from introductions to making out in less than 4 hours. Maybe my SIL is just fast. Either way I will admit I do miss first kisses. That was one of the cool things about being single

So like I said I started several blogs… examining multiple aspects of my life …. its just my life keeps getting in the way. For all its craziness I am so happy to be blessed with a family that will continue to provide material and people who actually enjoy reading about them – Thanks

Positive People ....are driving me crazy

2009-07-04T11:10:00.000-04:00

I am a positive person, motivated , a woman with a master plan, at any given time I have at least three different projects going on. Ask anyone the glass is always half full, damn near overflowing. I make an effort to see the best in people and until recently never realized how annoying me and my traits can be...

My husband by comparison is so laid back - you have to check to see if he is breathing. He's positive , but not in an over the top way. We have managed to balance this in our marriage for a happy medium. However, in the back of my mind I have always wondered how much further we would be if both of us were committed to taking over the world. How wonderful it would be to have someone that also had a master plan

Well, I no longer have to wonder - I am now part of a team of women all with master plans. They are trying to take over the world one undergarment at a time. These women are positive, driven, motivational, understanding, confident AND IT IS driving me crazy. If this is what I am like I really don't understand how my husband has put up with me this long

They are always so happy and committed to our business...

warning shameless plug for our business is following - I joined this wonderful group of women after being invited to a showcase where I watched a woman shaped like an egg - disappear into a back room and come out with a hour glass shaped... I decided right then to join.... and have never regretted it. We are called the Reshapers.. check us out.

.... these woman have so much energy that I get exhausted just being around them. I've never been in a situation were I am the slacker, where I am saying relax , where I don't know the next four steps needed in the master plan. Mind you none of these woman have ever implied that I am a slacker nor that I'm not a great team member, but I know I am getting a reprieve only because I am pregnant.

The good thing is that this experience has made me appreciated my husband's laid back attitude. I went and asked him for advice on how to deal with this new situation. He told me that when dealing with my type... get assigned to one project and focus on it - that usually keeps my type happy for about an 1/2 second.

You know what he was right - I am in charge of the website - it is still not done, but I am working on it.

Act One - Catching the Holy Ghost

2009-06-15T15:16:00.000-04:00

Some of you know my daughter so this blog will not come as a surprise at all.

To give you a little background – my child is a drama queen, with a very low tolerance for pain. She inherited both of these traits honestly - the drama through her mama and the low pain threshold through her daddy.

I can still cry at the drop of a dime just for the hell of it and my husband still has not finished all his dental work because he does not like (i.e. scared of) needles.

But our child…. she takes it to whole new levels. Awards should be given when she gets on a roll. For instance – this Easter both she and her cousin got splinters in their fingers. The cousin sat there as her father remove the splinter ... more fascinated by the process than anything else.

Not , my child … It took two adult women and a strong uncle to get it out her finger and she screamed like we were beating her.

Last week my child pinched her finger in the door – You know how you see something coming but just can’t get the warning out quick enough – this was such an occasion. Before the blister even appears my child is screaming for a Band-aid.

Side note – Band-Aids cure everything in our household - remember “My Big Fat Greek Wedding” – the father put Windex on everything – same concept.

My aunt who was visiting from out of town – has never seen my child's one person show – so she was very concerned. She runs upstairs desperately looking for a Band-Aid.

My father does not even look up

“The girl has a band-aid fetish – trust me she’s okay – I think we are out of Sponge Bob but there should be a Disney Princess in the cabinet.”

Meanwhile the blister has appeared – I am trying to get my child to stop crying . She really is a great actress – if I did not know better it would break my heart.

“Honey – it’s not bleeding – it a not a cut , it’s a blister.”

Now somewhere over the crying and screaming – my daughter must of heard “splinter” because she “Catches the Holy Ghost” .

Catching the Holy Ghost – in mostly black churches there is always this one old lady that rises her hands to the lord and falls out on the floor. The spirit has moved her to testify in front of the entire church about how the lord has helped her. So the pastor must stop his sermon and listen to her testify. While the rest of us response “Amen”. The whole thing is very entertaining – especially when it is the same lady each week.

Anyway – my child throws her hands in the air and lands on the floor – She is on her knees with her arms flat in front of her – as if in a yoga position . Tears are streaming down her face, …she is crying so hard.... that her chest is heaving.

“ No splinter, No Splinter “ - My mother and I just look at her and desperately try to keep a straight face.

“Honey – I did not say SPLINTER – I said a BLISTER” – I scream over the crying

My child who is laid out on the floor crying– stops mid cry – it is as if the director has said - "cut"

And ask - “What’s a blister?”

At this point my mom and I –start to cry ourselves because we are laughing so hard.

And my lovely aunt – who looks like she is ready to call 911 – has located the band-aid.

She seemed very confused that the crisis was over.

The Case of the Industrial Band-Aids

2009-06-07T11:24:00.000-04:00

Pregnancy is overrate – this coming from a woman who is giving birth in less than 6 weeks. Everyone keeps telling me I look great – “you’re carrying so well” – this may or may not be true. I don’t really care…

Nor do I care that I cannot longer wear my rings because my fingers have swollen, or that I have three pair of pants I can wear to work, or that my child does aerobics every couple hours in her current home. No, the worse part of pregnancy for me is the fact that I cannot longer see certain body parts.

Why is this important, because I was rather fond of these body parts.

Two days ago – my underwear started rubbing my thighs – so when I walked it created sore spots. My brilliant idea – add band-aids. I go to the first aid chest in the break room- get two industrial strength Band-Aids and make my way to the bathroom –

Now the fun part ….I cannot see where the sore spots are so I feel for where it hurts and stick the band-aids on. Victory – the Band-Aids are basically where they belong – when I walk the sore spots are no longer rubbing together. I am impressed by resourcefulness …until later that evening when I try to take them off. Remember, I used industrial strength band-aids... so these things are stuck, they are not going anywhere. I cannot see where they are and on top of that… I do not have enough leverage to just yank them off. I have been trying for TWO days to get these things off – I have tried baby oil , soap & water… I was going to cut it –but quickly decided against that.

So here I am on day three – eventually I am going to break down and ask my lovely husband to remove these band-aids. It is bad enough that he’s having a hard time finding me sexy at this stage. He keeps having flash backs of my 1st delivery. I am now about to spread my legs and have him remove band-aids – not the most ideal form a fore-play for an already squish husband.

At this rate I can add no sex to the list of reasons why pregnancy is overrated.

The Man who broke my husband's heart

2009-06-01T12:45:00.000-04:00

I am reading a book called “Happy for no Reason” – It is really a good book and right up my alley. I love any book that helps you better yourself. And like most of these types of books it has a chapter on “Forgiveness”. Usually I give this chapter a courtesy read, but I never get too involved. Mostly because I don’t hold grudges. So I really never have anyone that I have to forgive. I make a point of getting things out in the air as quick as possible and then...let it go. I say all this to illustrate how surprised I was when I read this chapter and the first thing that came to mind was Michael. I have to forgive Michael. Michael is my husband’s twin brother. I now know that forgiving someone who hurts me is easier than forgiving someone that hurts someone you love. I watched my brother -in -law break my husband’s heart into a million pieces. I had never seen my husband cry until that day. I can’t convey to you how small and helpless you feel when someone you love is hurting and you can’t make it better.

When I met my husband – I thought he was perfect- almost too perfect. I could not figure out how he was doing it. He was supporting most of his extended family financially, by working 14 hrs days. He was the owner of a dog that looked well loved and fed, his house was spotless. He assured me that he could not cook, but his refrigerator was always full with yummy food. I was completely confused and convinced that he had a secret wife somewhere. Turns out I was right – his twin. My hubby and Mike were the yin and yang of each other. They look alike, but that is where the similarities ended. If you can imagine a traditional 50’s couple, my husband was the man of the house and his brother, the happy little housewife. Hubby took care of the money and Mike took care of all domestic chores. This is the way it worked from the time they were 17 yrs old. So it was not a huge surprise when a year into our marriage Mike moved in. It was not bad; in fact there is something oddly refreshing about being in a two wife household, especially when our daughter came into the picture. This child now had three adults who thought the world of her. And when I went back to work... it was like having a built in nanny. It wasn’t all fun, but I thought we were all happy.

In hindsight all the signs were there. Mike would have mood swings; he would complain that he would never have a family of his own. And unlike my husband, he never made peace with losing his mom. He use to joke that except for his niece there was nothing worth living for. Of course, all of this was said with his usual flair for the dramatic – so you never took him seriously. I guess that is why we were all so shocked on Sept 6th.

I received a phone call from my husband at about 10am – I needed to come home and talk Mike off the ledge he was on...this time. He and my hubby had been arguing over Mike taking his car. Apparently it had escalated and Mike was in the bathroom upstairs threatening to kill himself.

When I got home I saw cop cars in the drive way. Tim, our cousin and a cop, was in the doorway. When he saw me he just shook his head. I didn’t understand what he was saying.
And then I saw my husband. My god – if I never see that look on anyone’s face ever again... it will be too soon. He had no reaction until he saw me… and then I literally watched my husband’s heart break. His 1st wife, his best friend, his other half had decided that life was not worth living anymore. And in dramatic fashion – had taken his life. Apparently not even his niece was worth living for.

Mike left us a message on the voicemail – it wasn’t our fault... he just couldn’t live like this anymore.

So almost two years later ....we are here. My husband has been to counseling, but he still get this far away look – every now and then. There is a piece of him that is gone forever. And my daughter… well – every time we look a new house – she lets us know which room is for Uncle Mikey. And me, I pray for him every day. I am no longer angry, because I understand some of his pain. However, no matter how hard I try I will never understand his choice. I have been told that forgiveness comes after acceptance. I hope that is the case and that one day I will forgive the man that broke my husband’s heart.

Diva in training

2009-05-18T18:05:00.000-04:00

I have been sleeping till 5:30am this past week - which is great for me, but bad for my writing. All my best ideas come at 3 in the morning. Add this to the fact that my husband refuses to give me any more material. He has been an absolute angel this week, which gives me nothing to even complain about. His running joke is that he reads this every week to figure out how I really feel about life in general.
So between a lack of inspiration and a good night sleep. I really could not think of anything to write about.... that was until I walked into my daughter's room this morning.

This weekend she had her very first slumber party. to be honest, I don't know who was more excited me and her. The party started at 6pm and we were there by 5:59. I did not want to miss a minute of my saturday night freedom. What would possess my cousin to host four 4 year old girls for a sleepover - I will never understand, but I am so grateful. The party was a full diva party with princess dresses, makeovers and nail polish. The girls danced all night and stay up until 10:30pm. I know this because the next morning this was all our blessing could talk about. As a party favor - my cousin gave each girl a picture frame with a group picture and surprise from the dollar general store. My child was completely fascinated by this gift and opened it right away.

That evening my husband put our 4 year old to bed.... so I did not see her until the next morning when I went into her room.

To see our child's room - you know she is the only child of two loving parents that need their heads examined. I will not discuss the sheer volume of toys - that's a given. No,what gets my attention this morning.... is the frog shaped humidifier with filtered water blowing in the room. The heater that keeps her room at a perfect 69 degrees, because our child can't stand her room to be too cold or too hot.. it makes her uncomfortable. It's the fact that she is sleeping on a mattress that cost more than some people's weekly salary (my husband has a contract with a mattress company.. so he got a great deal on mattresses for our daughter and niece) And lets not forget the hypo-allergic pillow that my mom brought her. Now mind you all of this seemed normal to me and I never thought twice about it ... until I saw my child in the middle of all this with her party favor.....

My diva in training was sound asleep with a hot pink sleeping mask covering her eyes.

If this is my child's life at four - what is she going to expect at 14......

The World According to Facebook

2009-05-04T08:44:00.000-04:00

It is official I am addicted to Facebook (FB)– isn’t the first step in recovery – admitting you have a problem. If you don’t know what FB is – don’t worry you will… and just a suggestion run if anyone ever invites you….

There is a reason why I like FB....I have decided that FB is the best side of everyone. If you read anyone’s profile you would believe that everyone you ever know is …living the life. They are either happily married, with 2.3 adorable kids and a husband/wife – that is their very best friend. Or if they are not married – they have the most fulfilling career they have ever dream of – with travel, and money. And of course fame .. It is actually really amusing. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think they are lying. I just think that it is their best self. It is the person that they want to be daily, instead of just some times.

For example

I have one friend that you cannot find a single picture of her... her daughter is there, the house even the dog, but not a single picture of her. I suspect it is because she has gotten “healthier” than her profile alludes to.

Or my friend’s wife who professes on Facebook – that she must go spend some quality time with her adoring husband… when I know for a fact – from him …that they are fighting because of the late hours he works

Or my girl – who gave a shout out to her husband for doing such a wonderful job holding down the fort while she traveled. When the truth is... given her husband’s track record – she was just happy the kids were still alive.

Or the friend that listed that her and her husband were soul mates. And would be together forever. She failed to mention that he’s currently in jail… and she inadvertently put him there.

I can go on, but I won’t …

Don’t get me wrong – I play the same games. The only recent pictures of me on FB are the ones that were taken by a professional (wedding and family portrait) every other picture is my child, husband or dog. All things I love to brag about.

I contemplated putting up a picture of me that was over 10 years old … mostly because my body looks great. I just could not figure out how do it without looking like – I put this picture up because my body looks great.

The FB objective is to brag without looking like your bragging and to be just sincere enough that no one questions your story. It is fun and entertaining which is why even knowing all of this I still log on religiously – what can I say it’s addictive

Now, excuse me while I figure out how to let the FB community know my child is a genius. She only 4 and she can spell her entire name….

I am jealous of my unborn child

2009-04-19T14:27:00.000-04:00

This week I found out that I am having a girl- Lets just say that my reaction to this news was less than stellar. Do not misunderstand – I am so happy that she is healthy and that everything is progressing as planned. And I know that my disappointment means - I am being selfish and ungrateful for the blessing of this child. I know all of this. And if I did not know it.. both my husband and mother have taken it upon themselves to tell me. However,even with this knowledge and guilt… I can’t help how I feel.

My mother believes the reason I am disappointed is because I am spoiled. And instead of falling on the floor kicking and scream – I am having the grown up version of a tantrum– which is disappointment and self -pity. She may be right – my past pattern does seem to confirm that this is indeed what I do. Traditionally, I have a of couple of days where I feel sorry for myself – Before I start to see the blessing of not getting what I want, exactly how I asked for it.

I have a tendency to get about 90% of what I request from the universe, but no matter how wonderful that 90% is… I always have a period of being pissed off that I did not get that other 10%.

So like I said…. she may not be that far off.

My husband believes (or should I say- hopes) that I am just hormonal – and it's the pregnancy. He too may be right – yesterday I cried for 20 minutes because I could not find my child’s white tights. To me this represented my failure as a mom .My child could not wear the dress she wanted. Mind you- 10 minutes later I was laughing hysterical because I was crying over tights. Seriously people, There has to be medication for these mood swings.

So maybe he is right - it is the hormones.

Or it may be a combination of both (who knows) – but here is my theory … jealousy.

I am jealous of my unborn child (well actually both my little ladies).

I did not get a sister until my brother got married. I never had a sister (just a knuckle head brother) to share all my fears, hope and dreams with. So almost by default my mom has become my best friend.

I share everything with her. I speak with her about three times a day, even when she gets on my last nerve , which she has been doing lately. This woman was the matron of honor at my wedding. She is the one that previews all these blogs (yes, even the Vegas one). She is truly my best friend. If I had a sister I don’t believe this would be the case. Most of the women I know that have a sister...are closer to their sisters than their moms. There are some that hate each other, but that is the exception, not the rule. Even my mom is closer to her sister than her mom.

It is just that I had visions of being my child’s - mom, until about her late teens , early twenties (they are suppose to tolerate you until this age) and her - friend when she became a woman.

I understand that it’s not a given that my child would want me as her best friend when she grows up. Until this new kid – I was thinking it would be between me and her younger cousin. In my mind I had a 50/50 chance…. With this new sister in the mix the odds are not in my favor.

So yes – I am having a girl – a wonderful little girl who will light up our world just like her big sister does. A fact that even with all my craziness, I have never doubted. I cannot list the amount of people are anticipating her arrival ...especially her certified crazy mom.

And maybe, just maybe …if I continue to get a least 90% of what I want in life... both my girls will consider me their friend when they grow up…. Or at the very least – that woman they have to call – because

“you know how she gets... Sis, if we don’t call her…”

I will take either option.

The 36 yr old grandma

2009-04-01T14:06:00.000-04:00

I finally witness the miracle of birth this month- the most surprising thing is that it took this long. Especially when you consider that there have been 15 babies born in my immediate family since 2004. Oddly enough until now - I have never been there for the messy part.

My husband did walk in on one of our cousins before everything was finalized - he was traumatize because everything was so swollen. He would not make eye contact with her for over a month

I did try to see my own child come into the world. I had my dad, yes my dad, record it.

He missed the opportunities to see my brother and I born. First, he was barely old enough to go to the hospital by himself. Seriously ,he rode his bike to come visit my mom. And second) thirty years ago - they would knock women out and just hand them their babies. My mom was barely awake when I was born. These missed opportunities left my dad longing to witness the miracle of birth. Since both my sister in law & I were pregnant at the time. We decided it would probably be less strange .. if he witness my labor. So he got to see me in all my shining glory. However, I did not get to see me. Every time something worth seeing happened - the camera was facing the ground. You could hear my father say "oh my god, oh my god"

So, four years later I watched as my 23 yr old cousin pushed her son into the world. It really was a lot of hurry up and wait. I mean.. I spent an uncomfortable amount of time staring at her private parts, as I waited for the baby to make his entrance.

"When did she have time to shave ... or better yet how did she see it. "

"What is that smell and am I the only one who smells it."

Yes, these were the things that were running through my mind as I encouraged her to push -

"You are doing great ....he's almost here...." Which was a lie because I saw nothing, but the nurses all smiled.

Why did people think this was beautiful. I will admit there were amusing moments, like when my aunt - asked how much longer was this going to take because SHE was tired or when my cousin stop pushing mid count and said she was not doing this anymore. If they want this baby - they needed to cut him out. I guess the most ego deflating part was when not one but two nurses assumed I was her mom. I guess it made sense.. I had been there since the beginning, coach , cheering, yelling and I could of had her at 13 (after all ,not to be snobby, but it was a community hospital. Maybe that was the norm).

Eventually my cousin , pushed an 8 pound baby into the world. As he crowned - a code was announced and suddenly the room filled with people. Two nurses, three doctors, a medical student and an intern. They are all staring at my cousin's private parts as the baby's head comes out followed by the most interesting liquid you have ever seen. It was so gross. Once again I thought- I am the only one who smells this.

In the end... he is beautiful - head full of hair, strong lungs and dark brown eyes. I am honored to have been the first one to see him. I am in awe .... a miracle.

I hope I never have to witness it again.

Wanted - Long Legged Brunette for husband

2009-03-15T15:28:00.000-04:00

I am renting my husband a brunette for our anniversary. My plan is to go to Vegas - where it is legal and rent him a long legged brunette. I guess we should do this as a couple, if not ...that may be weird. I know you are thinking ...in that entire statement - that's the weird part :-)

Before you completely think I have lost my mind or that we are 70's swingers - let me explain.

I once told my mom that before I said "I do" I wanted to say "I've done" - And I do mean everything - from hopping a train into Paris for the weekend, to moving to a new city because it was something to do, to saying "yes" to a college roommate's birthday request for her boyfriend. I wanted to experience things before I had to take a partner or a family's needs into consideration. Not that you can't do this with a family- it's just different. When I came to my marriage - I could say I was ready for family adventures.

My husband on the other hand.... not so much. In fairness, my husband did not have the same family safety net - that I did, so it may have been harder. He and his twin brother lost their mom at 16. But even when opportunities presented themselves- he played it safe. He once told me about the opportunity he had to fulfill this white girl fantasy and he chicken out. And he has regretted ever since (cue violins)

Our value systems are the same, but we see life so differently at times.

Anyway - back to the brunette - One night we are listing all the things we want to experience in this lifetime - On my list - Great Wall of China, learn Spanish, Holding my grandchild. On his list - "do" a long legged, brunette, preferably Italian. So I tell him - if that what floats your boat..okay we can do that. His face lights up and I officially became the coolest wife on the block. Men are so easy.

So here I am planning a trip to Vegas sometime in the near future. This may be a fantasy that once presented he may want to remain a fantasy or he may literally "rise" to the occasion.

I guess we will only know when the opportunity presents itself.

Romancing the Past

2009-03-01T05:44:00.000-05:00

The other day I called one of my best friends, actually my first love, for his birthday. I have known this person for over 20 years, a fact that never ceases to amaze me. Every time I speak with him I always feel great about myself - no matter what the situation he makes me feel phenomenal.

As I am laying in bed that evening ....This train of thought starts me down the road of romancing my past- I remember all the "adventures" we had. From the golf course to the weekend getaways.. the feeling I use to get just by standing next to this man... still makes me warm after all these years ...

Why did I ever let that go?

Then I remember ... he cheated on me with my "friend", he did not speak to me for 3 years (that one was my fault ) and he broke my heart into a million pieces. The day before he married his first wife...we spent the day together, no "adventures" just conversation.. I begged him not to get married. He told me that he loved me more than life itself... and got married 8 hours later . The irony of it - I was living with his parents that summer, so I got to see the lovely couple the very next day. I just remember smiling till it hurt and crying myself to sleep for a week (okay a month). Till this day he says I never truly forgave him.. he may be right.... who knows.

But despite all of that, we are best friends and I still love him to death . The love we had was unconditional. The kind where you love a person not despite their faults , but because of them. You know that hormonal teenage love that engulfs your whole world at the time. That love was so wonderful I spent years looking for that feeling again. I finally found it when I met my husband - which explains why I married him within 12 months of meeting him. He asked me to marry him on our second date. I believe my first love found it with his second wife.. not that he has ever said that. But I once told him that we could not be real friends until we both had as much to lose , so that we would never cross that line. He called me one day after he got married and said we were real friends.

I will admit that I think about what could have been. Maybe we are soul mates who could have been blissfully happy for 60 + years or maybe my bossiness and his passive/aggressive behavior would have landed us in divorce court. I don't know. I do know that I enjoy the drama of being "the one that got away" and periodically romancing my past.

One thing for certain - I am blessed to have a friend that I love and cherish after all these years.

Now if you excuse me I am going to Romance my present - I believe he just woke up and I love morning "adventures".

Peeing in a cup

2009-02-28T19:51:00.000-05:00

As some of you may know my husband and I are expecting our second (and last )child . So every month I get to go to the doctor, where they take my weight, check my blood pressure and make sure I am still pregnant.

This time I decided to bring my daughter, mostly because her daycare had MLK day off, but I still had to pay for the whole week - I never did understand that concept.

The whole way there we talked about how she was going to get to hear the baby's heartbeat. She was beyond excited.... She is so looking forward to her baby.

"The heartbeat mommy."

"Yes, honey it going to sound really fast."

"How big is it now?"

"The size of a medium shrimp"

We get there and like they did they did month before and like they will do next month. They take my blood pressure, weight me and ask me to pee in a cup. I go to the bathroom with my daughter in tow.

"What are you doing mommy?"

"They are checking to see if the baby is okay in mommy's tummy."

"That why you are peeing in a cup?"

"Yes, honey" - as I realize that I have even gotten use to not peeing in private

I place the cup in the equivalent of a two sided medicine cabinet. The nurse takes the specimen. My child opens the cabinet and the specimen has disappeared - her eyes get big.

"The cup is gone. "

"Yes, my love, the nurse took it."

"Like magic ?"

"Not really, she is on the other side"

"Oh . "

We finally get to the grand finale, the reason for our visit - it is time to hear the baby's heart. The doctor searches and finally you hear the strong, steady heartbeat of my youngest child. Of course I feel like crying. I am blessed to be able to have such a wonderful daughter and another child on the way. My daughter looks like she is deep in thought. I just know she is feeling the moment. Then it's gone and we are back in the car and on with the rest of our day. We go to the store, to a parade, even her favorite pizza place. The day is so jammed packed with activities - she can barely stay awake on the ride home.

Later that evening my husband ask my daughter... "how was your day?". And her response- I know you know.

Mommy peed in a cup!! Bonding moments they are the best.

My lunar age is 37...

2009-02-08T16:01:00.000-05:00

Anyone who knows me or has read more than two of these blogs knows I am a tad bit O.C. I get stuck on something and I just can not stop.

My latest obsession is the gender of my unborn child. This is a recent obsession that I blame on my doctor. I was okay when I thought that I would not find out the gender , until sometime around the hubby's birthday. However, on my last visit she asked me if I want to know the gender next go round. For some reason this sent me into a tail spin.

Ever since I have been obsessing on rather I am having a boy or a girl .

Please understand , I am not going to do anything important with this knowledge. Like pick a nursery color or buy clothes. Knowing me... it will be a months before I acknowledge the sex with anything besides a name.

I just must know....

I have researched every test you can find on the Internet - from the Intelligent (sp) to old wives tales. Each night after I put my blessing to bed and in between seeing if one of my FB friends has cured cancer. I try yet another test to figure out the sex of my child.

Did you know that you must know your lunar age to calculate the Chinese birth chart. If you go by the western age you may get a false reading. God forbid I get a false reading. So what if one chart reads pink and the other reads blue. One of them is right. This chart according to rumor is 99% correct. So I must be doing something wrong.

My favorite test are the old wives tales. One such test include important questions like the following:

Is the hair on your legs growing faster -how would I know ....I hate shaving my legs in the winter
Does your pillow face north or south - which direction is south
Does your belly look like a basketball or a beach ball - right now it just looks like a gut
Is your urine bright yellow or dull - if it is bright yellow shouldn't I be drinking more water.
Have you gotten uglier with this pregnancy - would anyone in their right mind tell me if I had
Do you crave salty or sweet - actually the only thing I crave is sleep...

There is a test you can buy - I was about to order it when I realized that if I do regular shipping it will be here next Tuesday - the same day as my Doctor's visit.

I have tried it all.. in fact I read on the Internet that if you hold a ring on a string over your belly it will tell you the sex. I can't get my rings off - so I interrupted my husband's shower.... this is important stuff.

"I need your wedding ring.. "

"Here baby..."

He has learned not to ask too many questions. A point that was confirmed when he got out of the shower and my 4 year old was holding the ring over my belly.

"Is it going side to side or up and down."

She just stared at me. Even she knows I am crazy.

I find out the sex next Tuesday... if I have not lost my mind by then.

The best part according to all the test. I have a 50% chance of having a boy, well duh I already knew that.

Pray for me.....

Update - it's a girl!!!

Are you gay?.... (part 1)

2009-01-29T17:52:00.000-05:00

A week before Valentine's Day ... I know it was in the 90's, not sure of the year... maybe '92 or '93... my younger brother called me from school in Hawaii.

This was not that unusual because I managed to speak directly to him at least twice a month. And indirectly knew all his business, because of my mom ( apparently this worked both ways)

It was not even unusual that he called in the middle of the night. My family as a whole has no concept of time zones- they just ask what time is it there.... and keep talking no matter what time you say.

What was unusual about this call was the question he opened with -

"Are you gay?"

This question was not asked in a judgemental way or with malice. In fact - it was like he had been pondering this question for some time and had finally gotten around to asking me.

"No - not that I know of..." - I am still searching for any thing that will tell me the time.

"Because it is okay if you are.. I spoke to mom about it..."

"This was a family discussion" - of course now I am up. This is being brought up at the dinner table.

"okay.. I am up ... now , Why do you think I am gay?"

According to my lovely brother the evidence was the following (and I promise you I am not exaggerating) :

I had cut my hair. I will not mention that Halle Berry was all the rage at the time. I never could pull off that style.
I had become a vegan. I went to school in Northern CA . It was easier to find vegan -restaurant then non -vegan. And meat was just too expensive.
And last - I had not mentioned a male name to anyone (i.e. - mom) in the past 6 months. Alright - I would give him that one, but had I mentioned a female name.

He actually seemed disappointment that I wasn't gay. I guess if I wasn't gay - I was just boring. I explained to him that I had not switch teams - I have just decided not to play for any team at the moment.
"I love you - now I am going back to sleep..."

That coincidentally was the year my father started sending me roses for Valentine Day - it must have been a hell of a family discussion.